Where to start? It is an inside job.

A lot of people who come to my office ask me “Where should I start?” As with most questions, the answer is “That depends”.

The answer depends on where YOU want to go. That’s right, it is up to you. There is no answer that is always right. There is no authority figure, no book, no set of rules or regulations that can tell you where to go next or what is the most important thing to do.

Of course, if you knew where to start, you wouldn’t ask the question. But what I want to do is point you back to yourself, back inside that person that is you. I’ll ask you where you want to go.

I tell a lot of people this next story, so if you have heard it before forgive me. It illustrates a point well.

I was in a car in a parking lot with Janet– we had plans to go to lunch. Janet was a typical mainstream southern white girl. She was trained to defer to men. However, Janet was going to support groups to try to find her own voice, her own strength. She was trying to outgrow her childhood “nice girl” training.

I asked her “Where do you want to go to lunch?”

She smiled politely, giggled a bit, and said “Wherever you want- I don’t care.”

I knew that she had just unconsciously lied to me. Janet really liked food but her nice girl mentality had caused her to automatically defer to me. As one of her partners in awareness and growth, I decided to lovingly confront her.

I said “I am not moving this car until you tell me where you really want to eat lunch.”

Janet looked horrified. It was as if I had just asked her to jump off a bridge or shoot heroin or something. She argued with me a moment, trying to make the case that she  really didn’t care where we ate and that I should choose the place.

I told her “I don’t really care where we eat either, Janet. Just pick a place where you would prefer to eat. Tell me what you want and I will drive us there.”

Then, something amazing (to me) happened. She started crying. She was scared to pick a place to eat, scared she would make me mad or disappoint me, scared she would be wrong or criticized or something bad. She felt all of her feelings and cried.

Where to eat? It was just a little decision, it was just lunch. If a little decision like lunch was so hard, how could Janet ever decide the big stuff like career, marriage, lifestyle? Would she choose based on what she thought ‘the man’ would want?

Probably.

It isn’t always a man and it isn’t always about lunch. Sometimes we will internalize the values and preferences of our mothers, our church, our school, peers, whoever.

Such choices are based on avoiding something unpleasant like rejection and disapproval. At other times we are avoiding discomfort or uncertainty. Anything unpleasant can become an object of avoidance. When you make choices based on avoiding things, your life will be limited.

The point is that many of us make choices based on what we think someone else wants us to do, or what would look good to others. We choose based on what we imagine will get us approval, acceptance, and safety, among other things. Often the choices we make do not serve us at all.

So when you ask me “where do I start”, remember Janet. Take your time, go deeply inside yourself. What is important to you? Start where you want to start. Make sure wherever you start leads to where you want to go.

Make your best guess. Down to road, if it doesn’t work well for you, choose again. Change.

On the other hand, there are some things thatseem good to do for most of us. Like flossing. We need mental floss. That’s a subject I will address later.